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Marriage-Preparation.CharacterTesting.comGet "back-to-the-basics" with your Marriage, Dating, Family, Friends, and/or Employment Relationships.Solving Conflicts LLC Presents: |
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Pure Gold: "Engaging, wise, and chock full of ideas ~ Paul Coleman, Psy. D., author of "How to Say It for Couples: Communicating with Tenderness, Openness, and Honesty" |
Can We Dance? “After reading this book, I have a new-found appreciation for the importance of really exploring myself to know what character qualities I need my mate to possess.” “I love the combination of information, reflection, and interaction with the arts. This approach is present, reflective and emotionally, spiritually provocative.” “Can We Dance? helped me to examine my beliefs, clarify my motivations, and analyze every step from friendship to a serious relationship. It is full of great tools that are both fun and immediately useful.” |
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Therefore, it is wise to have a start-up plan on how to bring the benefits of Solving Conflicts into your marriage even if your spouse has not yet agreed to participate with you as a teammate. What happens when you are the only one in your relationship that seems to care about its success? How can you benefit from applying the Solving Conflicts system to a spouse who has not taken the character assessment? Whether or not your spouse has taken the assessment, whether or not you are working together in your character growth, the method of communication toward your spouse is the same as if they have not taken the assessment. Take a very close look at the following examples: Example #1: Ryan and Sarah are married. They are very close to getting a divorce. Something is bothering Ryan about the relationship. This is making him have second thoughts about continuing the relationship. He loves Sarah with all of his heart. The problem is that it seems like he can never go for more than one day before Sarah accuses him of saying something that hurts her feelings. She is so easily offended that he is becoming anxious around her. Whenever Ryan tries to tell Sarah to stop being so easily offended, she seems to have no clue how to relate to what he is saying. The more Ryan tries to get her to stop, the more Sarah begins to resist. She starts saying things to Ryan like, "Stop trying to change me!" What Ryan is attempting makes Sarah feel as if he is trying to take something that is part of her and destroy it. Ryan begin to see that every time he tries to put a stop to her 'easily offended' ways it is slowly killing her spirit. Ryan knows instinctively that he has to stop trying to change that part of her, and he feels like the only other alternative is to get a divorce. Then, Ryan learns something that he has not known before. He learns that being easily offended is a counterfeit misuse of the genuine character quality of sensitivity. Ryan sees in Sarah plenty of the genuine use of sensitivity, and he enjoys that part of Sarah's character. Once Ryan realizes this, it begins to take the pressure off his anxiousness being around Sarah. Ryan comes up with a new plan. He begins to take notice of all the instances when Sarah uses her sensitivity in a proper way and complements her for those instances. This opens up the discussion of how Ryan admires the genuine sensitivity quality in Sarah. These words are like music to Sarah's ears. The more Ryan focuses on the genuine use of sensitivity (something Sarah has an inclination towards) the more she becomes open to discussions with Ryan about how she is occasionally misusing her sensitivity. When she becomes aware that Ryan enjoys the proper use of sensitivity ...but not the counterfeit misuse of it, she no longer feels like Ryan is trying to change her and destroy her spirit. Example #2: Jacob and Emily are at their wits end. Emily is a very insensitive person. People are often taken back and offended by the things she says, and Jacob very nearly crawls under his chair to hide when she acts like this around other people. After they leave, they always argue about how insensitive she is. This has been going on for years. It seems as though Jacob has asked Emily 1000 times to be more sensitive toward the feelings of other people. She never gives the slightest indication that she understands his point of view. This problem is driving them to the brink of divorce. However, Jacob learns something that completely changes his approach in how he communicates with Emily. First, he learns that insensitivity is not the counterfeit of sensitivity. He learns that insensitivity is the counterfeit of objectivity. Jacob is able to deduct from Emily's behavior that she has a large tendency to misuse objectivity. The more he learns about the proper use of objectivity, the more he can see that while Emily frequently misuses objectivity, she seems to have no sense at all of the proper use of it. |